Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I love you. Go after that dick
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
