I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You have to summon your inner elephant
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
