wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
