I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
