my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
