After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How external is "for external use only"?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
