Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
