after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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