I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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