There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
