my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
