I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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