She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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