Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
