while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
