I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
