Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she told me i tasted like america
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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