Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
