So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
ugly people sure do ruin things
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I AM VODKA MAN
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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