Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
