hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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