I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
