i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
