come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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