I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
