if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
