I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
