chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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