this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
