he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
