Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
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I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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