She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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