Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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