We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
