Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
