There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
