these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
