sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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