i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
