If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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