Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
