Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
