admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
