tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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