I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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