I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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