Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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