Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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