Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
