any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
