she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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