I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
