3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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