I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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