Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
