it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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