I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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