I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
