even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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