I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
