Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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