Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
