I cannot find my penis.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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