she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
